Big Band Twister!!

It's Big Band week, with SuperSpecialGuest Tony Bennett - who all joking aside is a living legend of the proper variety.

So off we go again, with this week Kate announcing that 2 (count them 2!) acts will be going out this week. Gasp, shock, horror, zzzzzzz... Kate's hair is better this week, although she seems to have modelled her wardrobe in a sort of 40s retro Krystal Carrington style.

Kicking off the show is everyone's favourite perma-grinned stage school twat Ray Munster, there is lots of talk about him "coming into his own" this week. Tony is paid to be impressed in his rehearsal. He sings "Ain't That A Kick In The Head" (insert your own joke), and does a decent job of it to be fair. The judges love him, Simon says he's like a young Robbie Williams (What, irritating and precocious?). Ray talks about how it is his music that he has listened to all his life etc. I am quite disturbed that a lad his age has listened to nothing but swing, but it was probably to please his fawning parents in between being given all the sweeties he wanted and being bought Karaoke machines and being sent to dance classes. NEXT!

Dionne. Poor Dionne, they paint her up all lovely and put her in a cracker of a frock, she has the voice of a (very moody) angel but still has a face of a chewed caramel. Her version of "For Once in My Life" is alright, but she once again stomps round the stage like Emile Heskey with twitchy elbows, and no-one is really impressed. Although Lou Lou thinks she is a great singer, which is true, but look at what the show is called and she ain't got it I'm afraid.

Nikkita. They really have no idea about how to dress this girl, I've never known stylists be so stumped by a young girl who happens to be a pretty tall and very robust of frame, and they keep spamming her hair down, which does her no favours at all. She sing "Sway" in an adequate, if somewhat nasal manner. She even tries to dance and bit and also has a touch of the Emile Heskey about her, however attention is taken away from her when Kenny Baker jumps out of the crowd and starts mincing about in front of her mid song. It was all a bit boring really.

Ben can play piano you know? He can do it at the same time as shouting singing "Smile", ergo he is a genius, the like of which the British public have never seen before, according to the X-Factor. I didn't like his version of this at all, and to me he just sounds like a Rod Stewart & Joe Cocker genetic experiment making different genres all sound the same. But I understand I am in the minority here, especially among the judges who are all on the vinegar strokes by the time he finishes.

Kerry. There is no escaping the fact that this woman is a very boring performer. Bottom line: if you can't move then you have to have a blinding voice to hold the attention of a crowd and I am afraid she doesn't have it. Her version of "They Can't Take That Away From Me" is soporific and I for one think she suffered because no-one in the production team had the guts to put her in a Davros-style half-Dalek chair and have her careering around the stage whilst crooning. Shame on you producers!

Ashley. His "Moondance" was the worst performance of the night for me (I don't count the MacDonuts as a proper act), and not because he forgot his lines. His phrasing was woeful, his sense of lateral timing with the band (which is the essence of swing/jazz) was dreadful, and the crowning turd atop it all was his Heather Small Honk™ during the last "Caaaaaaaaaaan't Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiide" bit. Teeth scrapingly bad. He also looked a complete cock in those braces and baseball boots as well.

Robert. Belted out "BoJangles" with class, restraint and some decent dance moves. A really good performance and a world better than last week. However his Ritalin did wear off after the judges had commented and he started pogoing like he was at a Clash gig c.1979. He also mde the very subtle & classy point that people should vote for him as he has an unborn child and a 24 stone wife to feed. Nice.

MacDonuts. Did a woeful version of "Can't Take My Eyes Off You", again I stress that the dark haired Donut is better than his sandy sidekick, however that ain't saying much. As the instumental up-tempo break builds in they say "Let's Go!", and follow this up by limply lifting their mikes off the stand and stepping forward one pace to rock side to side. I bet Justin Timberlake is shitting himself. They were utterly woeful. Lou Lou once more damns them with faint praise by saying they are better than Robson & Jerome.

Leona. A frankly stunning performance of "Summertime" showing amazing vocal & breath control - I assume she is very well trained as a singer. She is wearing no shoes, exactly as Fantasia did when performing the same song (much better) on American Idol. Leona laters makes up a lie about feeling more comfortable like that etc. Bollocks, Cowell is a judge on American Idol and is Leona's mentor, it was his idea. This is a small gripe though as she nailed it.

Eton Road. They started off on a bit of a loser here as "Mack the Knife" is not really a song for a group, I'd like to have seen them do an ensemble song like "Me & My Shadow" or "Guys & Dolls". Anyway, they start off OK, Molko comes in and suffers from the fact that his camp delivery means he sings everything in the style of a drag queen, and by the end the other lads are trying to harmonise whilst Molko squeals over the top of them like a skunk with its balls trapped in a pencil sharpener. Awful, but you still cannot help liking them and I reckon they'll be great on the Abba show.

So that's it, off to the great braying mass to vote, and remember 2 are going out!!


RESULTS SHOW

Kate comes back on to remind us all, once again, that 2 acts are going home, they need our votes, more phone calls, show doesn't pay for itself etc etc. Tony Bennett comes on to give a masterclass in jazz/swing performance, but his first song is ruined by the mewling plebs in the audience clapping along all the way though, thus drowning out the nuanced playing of his professional drummer with the smacking of their flabby, pasty hands. However his version of "For Once in My Life" is stunning - you watching Dionne?

The acts come back on, amazingly the MacDonuts survive and the bottom 3 is Dionne, Kerry & Ashley.

The one with the lowest votes is going home immediately, will not pass go and will not collect £200: it's Dionne, who looks totally resigned to the fact before Kate even says her name.

In the Sing Off Showdown of Justice, Kerry is again mediocre and Ashley improves. Simon keeps Ashley and Sharon keeps Kerry natch and it is all down to Lou Lou... He scolds Ashley vehemently for his unprofessional attitude and line-forgetting ways but basically says "you are lucky because she is shit, I'm sending her home".

So Kerry and Dionne bite the dust, meaning Sharon loses 2 acts in one night.

Next week is Abba week, I hope the nation has stocked up on pillows to watch the show from behind...