Mama Mia! Here We Go Again...

It's ABBA week, the week none of us have been looking forward to. Well not in a proper sense anyway, we've have been looking forward to it in the way that we look forward to that bit at the end of Wife Swap where they all rant at each other, or the day that Eamonn Holmes' gut finally causes him to topple and impale himself on his own microphone stand. Anyway that Bjorn off of ABBA is in the house to give insincere sounding platitudes and praise to the 8 performing monkeys acts that are left, and Kate is decked out in purple complete with spangly shoes. It's Camptastic!!

The MacDonalds are still here, due to some Faustian pact with El Diablo, the only reason I can think of.

Kicking us off is Nikitta, doing "Dancing Queen". She stomps around the stage (again!), sounding nasal and slightly flat (again!), and the wardrobe dept made her look like a chubby giant (again!). The judges were all pretty hostile, including Simon, who for all his faults is usually straight with even his own acts. It would have been easy for him to take the Louis Walsh route and tell her that at least she is better than B:Witched or something else equally irrelevant so fair play to him.

Eton Road do an absolutely blisteringly gay version of "Does Your Mother Know", and it goes down a storm. They were great, complete with hand clapping, camp arrangement and they finally found a song that fits Molko Minelli's phrasing. Also, as it was ABBA week, he was allowed to put even more make-up on! Great Stuff...

Robert is next, after a tough week in which it has been revealed he has never seen 8 members of his family, probably because they are stood behind his girlfriend (me -----> Hell). His version of "Take A Chance On Me" starts very well, with just piano backing and his soulful delivery coming together like Michael Barrymore and controversial death. This unfortunatley does not last long as once again the 70s disco backing comes in and he starts prancing about like an ephedrine loaded Lou Rawls having a seizure. I like Robert, and he really needs to stop being so needy as a performer as I think there is a fair bit of talent there if he just stayed still and had better song arrangements. Simon says he is old fashioned, which is a bit rich (see Ray, below)

Leona comes on looking extremely wouldable and belts out "Chiquita". Another very accomplished performance, she does however seem a little over-coached to me and is a bit lacking in personality, and also unfortunately dances like a befrocked Rodney Trotter. Simon says she's the best contestant he's ever had - yes, even better than Steve Brookstein!

The MacDiablos are next, doing the least inspiring rebel song ever written,"Fernando", and the Dark Chosen One is carrying and Electric guitar, ruh-roh! They are once again abysmal, but this time they have the added nadir of a guitar solo so teeth-scrapingly awful it sounds like it is being played by a CP suffer with a metal rasp file. The camera lingers on Simon for a long time during this and if I could just put a picture of his face on here then I would not have to write anything at all. Lou Lou once again says some shite about the Scottish vote. Why pray, does he think they will not vote for Nikkita? Answers on a postcard to: The Campaign for Racial Equality, Inclusive House...

The uber-twat Ray Munster trots out next to perform "Waterloo" in (you guessed it!) a swing stylee! He minces about all perma-grin and piggy-nose, doing a lot of spinning etc like some dwarfen Fred Astaire/Matt Monro tribute act. His hair is once again shaped to points at the side and it is now obvious that he has Lego hair and when he gets backstage he lifts the entire thing off. Lou Lou is for once right when he says that "this isn't the swing factor" I would add that this neither is it the "Second Chance For Some Awful Bastard Who Has Been Famous Once And Needs A Good Kicking Factor" either..

Next up is Ben, who has selected "SOS". There is no piano, thus he is going to sing it to a backing track, thus he is going to sound like David Coverdale singing in the shower. Which inevitably he did. He also kept bending over like the Def Leppard bloke c1987 and I thought it was about as good as Johnny O'Rourke, our local pub singer. Sharon said "it was brilliant". She is a liar.

Ashley rounded it all off with his stab at "The Winner Takes It All". Now, asking a 19 year old to interpret and impart the gut wrenching trauma of marriage break-up is very difficult - when your 19 year old also sounds like a vibrating quacking machine it is nigh on impossible. It was awful, and a very bad song choice. Nothing more to be said really.


Kate passes the decision making over to the heaving mass of inadequacy that is the British public and the acts are in their hands. Apart from the MacDiablos, who have made other arrangements...


RESULTS SHOW

So back we come, Kate does a half-arsed interview with the charisma vacuum that is Bjorn off of ABBA and we then sit through I think the cast of Mama Mia looking like the Canal Street Mardi Gras. Finally the acts come back on....

In no particular order everyone stays in apart from Ashley and Robert who will face each other in the Super Sing-off Showdown of Justice. Robert is all sulky and mute (try and hold that feeling for next week Rob), and Ashley looks all porcelain and wounded.

They both sing to about the same level as before really, except Robert uses the title of his song to say "Please, oh please, oh please! oh please!!" in between the Chorus lines. So last week he tried guilt about his unborn child and this week he is trying begging through the medium of song. Talk. About. Classy.

Each judge saves their own act and it is all down to Lou Lou after Simon tells him pointedly to keep Ashley in. He basically says "Ashley, you have star quality and something different and special, but Robert is a grafter so he's staying and you're not, Bye!" Eh? This leads Simon to not so much have a face like thunder, more a face like a Deep South city destroying hurricane and he storms off into the night, refusing to be interviewed.

Blimey! See you next week, afraid I don't know what the theme is.