Number Ones: Stinking like Number Twos

Here we go again, and this week only the cream of the crop that have risen to the top of the hit parade in this sceptred isle are to be sung. Quite a selection to pick from I'm sure you'll agree, so how we ended up with this bucket of rancid mess is beyond me - it is probably something to do with Westlife being the guests. Oh and tonight's running row between LouLou and Simon is that Simon has been in America all week, and not keeping and eye on his acts in the shower as LouLou has, by the end of the show you will be very bored with this.

Kate saunters on with the now familiar look in her eye that tells us she is about to lose her job at the end of this series, and reminds us that only 6 acts remain and that Simon's company each one needs your money votes in order to buy a new yacht survive. Each judge conveniently has 2 acts and we kick off with everyone's favourite chucky-faced, lego-haired, shit-eating grinned, reverse-Samson...

Ray is doing something different this week, I pray that instead of swing the "something " is to do a Jim Rose Circus Sideshow type act involving beating himself about the neck and face with a vinegar soaked bat with nails through it. Alas, he has chosen to sing "Livin' La Vida Loca!" instead. They have dressed him in very tight clothing and what appears to be winkle picker shoes, which makes him look like an action man that has been shrunk in the wash, and he once again minces about like a schoolboy doing a cringingly awful impression of a teacher at an end of term concert. Thing about Ricky Martin is, even though he is blatantly as gay as Christmas, he could do raunchy very well, and the thing with Ray is that he can't. At all. Ever. And the whole point of doing hip thrusts is to make the opposite sex feel like they want you to do it to them - Imagine that little tosser sweating and heaving atop you eh girls? He looks ridiculous, and his vocal was dodgy, although I think this is a harder song to sing than people give credit for. Sharon was correct at the end when she said he is like "panto boy", although I prefer to pronounce it "awful bastard".

Why oh why of why did they give Robert the awful "You Are Not Alone" to Sing? Surely Sharon must realise that it was a terrible song to start with, and added to this everything associated with Michael Jackson is now tainted and doomed (apart from Off The Wall, that is still a belter of an LP). The beginning is a bit poor as the backing track is full of synthesiser pips, peeps and boings, but once the gospel choir rip in and Robert opens his lungs it picks up. The judges are very complimentary, even Simon.

Eton Road have finally been given a decent song this week with "I Don't Feel Like Dancing" by the Scissor Sisters being served up. I was looking forward to this, but made a schoolboy error in forgetting Rule number one about the X Factor (see Eton Rd from last week). It was pretty terrible actually, the chorus in particular sounded like three blokes talking in unison whilst a eunuch town crier screeched in the background. Obviously LouLou was sucked into thinking that anyone camp with a falsetto can sing Scissor Sisters - which does them a great dis-service. They had no choreography at all this week, which makes me think that they actually can't dance at all and as much as I like these lads they keep being rubbish, which is leading me to believe that they are actually not very good and are guilty of flattering to deceive - Molko being the prime suspect.

Leona is next up to give us her version of "Bridge Over Troubled Water". Before this even started I knew what this would be like, and was not proved wrong. Started off soft and whispery with far too much vibrato, got a bit louder and by the end she was jumping around the octaves, in and out of falsetto and waving her arms about (with far too much vibrato). I thought it was rubbish personally, again her vocal quality is great but these songs are not a training session, they are meant to be an emotional rendition that connects with the audience. I liken it to those freestyle footballers who can do 3000 keep ups using every part of their body, sure it's impressive, but none of them will score a goal in a World Cup Final will they? The judges rave again, she cries again...

So they have finally caved in and give Ben Joe Cocker's "With A Little Help From My Friends", thus in my eyes cementing exactly what he is. He is on the piano again, and dressed in what has become his weekly uniform of black shirt, boot-cut jeans and boots. It was basically exactly like Joe Cocker and if he hadn't also been playing piano, it would have been even more so. Simon thought it was great and wants a Ben vs Leona Final, which he feels would be "the television event of the year"! Of course it would, schedulers pray to every God they believe in for a contest between a sub-Mariah Carey warbler and a dull Soft Rock spewing coke-head don't they?

And finally we come to The MacDiablo Bros, a very boring pair singing a very boring song in what is fast becoming a very boring competition. Their version of "Love Is All Around" made me so bored I nearly shat concrete, they can sing in tune but they are so monotone it is ridiculous, they can't hit any impressive notes and they do the same harmonies in EVERY SONG. They are the musical equivalent of being slowly drizzled on at a church fete. However none of that matters as they are Lucifer's chosen ones are have a personal assistant who is dead ringer for Lance Henriksen in Omen II.

So that is it, unlike Vanessa Williams they saved the worst 'til last and Kate hands over to the clustered miasma of cigarette smoke and beery breath that is the British public, for them to make a no doubt idiotic decision...

RESULTS SHOW

I tuned in late for this and so mercifully missed Westlife crooning and getting up off stools in gloriously banal unison. The acts come back on and Kate trots out her mantra about the highest and closest vote in the history of the world ever. The first one safe is fucking Ray, then the MacDiablos (I am seriously losing my sense of humour about his now), then a once again weeping Leona, then Ben.

This leaves a bottom 2 of Eton Road and Robert to face the Final Sing-off of Mediocrity, Simon says he will base his decision on the performance. They are both about the same as before really and we pass over to the judges. Sharon talks about how they are both great and ace and the like but she has to send Eton Road home. LouLou starts crying (!?) at the injustice of it all, even though he's the one who keep championing that satanic Scottish pair, and sends home Robert. Simon then says that he is basing his decision on which act has the most potential to develop, thus not so much moving the goalposts as knocking down the stadium, and sends home Robert.

Robert takes it well but gets a little bit Darius-style ranty about recording an album.

Next week they are all singing two songs - that's twice the Ray and twice the MacDiablos for everyone! I anticipate my killing spree will start soon after...