Music Off the Fillums

It's "music of the movies" week, and to add to the film theme the contestants have been sent to a premiere this week, with accompanying VT and talking-head rhetoric about 'giving me a taste of the life I want' and 'made me realise I deserve this', and 'look at how all the poor people with their wretched lives of drudgery and futility worship me'. Kate reminds us that this is now the Final Five and that it is more important then ever to get your pudgy, water-retaining fingers to dial the number of your favourite act. This does not apply to me as I no longer have a favourite act, and watching this show is like watching a tranquilised elephant slowly fall to its knees as people point and laugh at the great behemoth's plight. Each act is doing 2 songs each tonight.

Anyhoo, kicking is off is Leona, who has gone for the urban stylee clothes and looks good for it actually, amidst all that frock wearing and warbling she has been doing so far it is easy to forget she is still a teenage girl. She is having a go at "Lady Marmalade" and it's pretty good actually. I warmed to her much more during this and it finally made me see that she is head and shoulders above everyone else, not just technically but with regards potential in the current market. They also took the wise decision to make her stand pretty still and let women in basques and fishnets gyrate around, it seems the penny enscribed 'Leona Can't Dance' has finally dropped.

The MacDiablo Brothers are next up , and they have taken the logical step of singing a Ronan Keating song, seeing as he is also celtic, a protege of LouLou, plus eye-wateringly bland and awful. Their version of "When You Say Nothing At All" is so soporific it could send a glass eye to sleep, whilst at the same time it is not awful either - which is probably why they keep being voted in.

It is almost like Sharon has given up with Ben, as the songs this week are dire, with his first offering being "Live and Let Die". He is at the piano again, and his delivery accompanied with cheesy pyrotechnics make him look and sound like some low-rent, Benidorm Meat Loaf act. He even looks slightly embarrassed for himself and like his heart isn't in it.

Eton Road need a marked improvement on last week now that we are in The Final Five, Simon says on the VT. They are attempting the Solomon Burke classic "Everybody Needs Somebody (To Love)", and it goes OK - but once again Molko's solo sections are shockingly camp, which is not bad in itself it just makes little sense in a cute looking boyband. It worked with Take That, but they were actually meant to look and sound gay at the beginning. Simon is not impressed, and blames it all on LouLou for picking Bad Songs. LouLou then has a big hissy strop and says that he's going to turn Eton Road into the next big boy band whatever happens and that they should pay no attention to nasty Simon because he smells. I'm pleased for them actually as I think this competition is not right for their type of group (is it right for any group really?) . This also means that they might as well come out and fart the The Frog Chorus for their second song as no-one will vote them as it seems they already have a deal in the bag.

And where would this show be without our installment of reverse-samson, chucky-cocked, minge-midget Ray, with his shit eating grin and his paedophile arousing act? Maybe we'd still be listening to Robert, instead of sitting through this bilge every week that's where! During the VT about his day out to a film premiere, he refers to himself constantly in the third person as "Quinny" as in 'Quinny's here everyone, yeah!' Just when you think it is impossible to despise someone any more, they surprise you with something like this... Anyway, he does "The Way You Look Tonight", and it's OK-ish - as long as you don't look at his stupid gurn-grinning face at any point.

End of Act 1. Slight intermission for Westler's hot dogs and Kia-Ora

And back we go again to the beginning for Leona to warble the archetypal "good singer totally overdoing it" song, 'I Will Always Love You'.

Dear Leona,

Please stop singing ballads, please stop scanning all around the melody, please learn to sing a note without vibrato, please cover up those big calves.

Yours, Lee

The MacDiablos continue to mine their rich vein of bland obviousness by singing '(I'm Gonna Be) 500 Miles'. I was truly amazed at this, as I didn't think that anyone could make this song sound dull, but they somehow managed it. Incredibly, Simon liked it! Most probably because their satanic guardian had threatened him with an eternity in the fires of hell if he didn't start being a bit more positive.

Ben is back at the Piano Of Questionable Value to give us 'Your Song', Elton John's dirge classic. Again he looks about as interested as a puritan on the Guinness brewery tour and sounds totally pub-like, and if he's got what it takes to make the final of this then someone better ring Don Henley and tell him the time is right to make his return.

Another Elton John song is served up by Eton Road, as they give us "Can You Feel The Love Tonight", a song written by Elton about lions whilst he was in the nadir of his First Hair-Weave period. It is pretty bland, the lad with the shaved head really can't sing very well and someone really needs to turn down Molko's mike as all you can hear in the chorus is his Minelli-Cabaret overwrought warbling. But, as I said below it doesn't matter as LouLou is going turn them into a jumpers wearing bland ballad band, if his previous form is anything to go by.

Ray finishes with 'Jailhouse Rock' as I gently finger my shotgun and use every ounce of willpower within me to not take my revenge on the stupid public.

Phew, it was a long one tonight. Kate hands over to the oleaginous pulp of white flesh and blocked vessels that is the British Public to once again waste their hard earned money on this slowly dying Circus of Mediocrity.


RESULTS SHOW

Kate returns to tell us that we have registered the biggest vote in the history of the show, which once again has me pawing at my shotgun. She introduces the bizarre Il Divo who belt out a ridiculous version of 'Without You', but they actually sing "No se, como vivir no con tigo" I think.

Results time, and Ray is first safe, at which point I shoot the dog, the Bottom Two are Ben and Eton Road. Following the sing-off, which confusingly they said they were not going to have last week, both acts stand next to Kate and the judges speak their words. Sharon is crying like a beauty pageant winner (ie pretending) and sends home Eton Road. LouLou is all humpy and says it doesn't matter what happens as Eton Road will be standing up off stools to cover versions of Toni Braxton songs within a year, and sends home Ben. Simon then labours his decision with some time-filling bollocks about not knowing what to do until the producers hold up a sign saying "Stop pretending you are conflicted, credits in 20 seconds", and he sends home Eton Road. Molko cries, as we see the band's X Factor journey and his personal journey from 4 stone to 10 stone judging by the pictures!

Manilow week next week, which means Ray is going to sing "Copa Cobana" and you are all going to pay for your lack of vision...