How Manilow Can You Go?

It's the Final Fantastic* Four (*Shite). This week we have the pleasure of the company of Barry Manilow, a man whose face appears to be that of a normal person's reflected in the back of a spoon and the acts will be doing a song of his plus a song that have picked all on their own selves.

Kate comes on looking like a bewigged aubergine with 2 eye-slits cut into it, and we are once again reminded that it is "our vote alone!" that can give this largely undeserving bunch of charmless people with questionable talent a recording deal.

We kick off with the MacDiablos, singing the execrable "Can't Smile Without You" which is possibly the most nauseatingly sickly of all of the Conk's songs, which when you consider the rest of his catalogue is sicklier than being force fed melted Fererro Rocher through a hosepipe. Anyway, it is as you expect, a competent performance that is about as interesting as Cliff Richards' views on royalties law. The Dark One will however ensure their passage obviously.

Next up is Ray, and there is much talk about how he showed he could sing last week, which is fair enough I suppose. Manilow tells him that to make "Mandy" live he must imagine that he is singing to Mandy only, whoever Ray's Mandy may be. I thought it was a weak performance and he struggled with knowing where to breathe. I assume it was weak as he is still inexperienced with the ladies so his Mandy was a wank-sock at home in his bedroom that probably still has Power Rangers wallpaper.

Ben is next, with his usual preamble where he moans and moans about how tough it is and how he wants this more than anything in the world etc etc etc. Shut your face you insufferable tosser! He then sings "I Made It Through the Rain" and it was totally unconvincing, sounding like Axl Rose attempting the love theme from some low-rent braoadway musical. Why everyone thinks this bloke is so good I have no idea.

Leona comes on looking very pretty in a cute outfit and she sings "Could It Be Magic". It is vocally outstanding (again), she moves like a Thunderbird puppet being operated by Stephen Hawking (again), and the judges adore her (again). Quite right too, she is the only real talent in this show.

End of Act 1. Barry makes some obsequeous noises about everyone being aces and we move into Act II - In which they have picked their own songs.

The MacDiablos enter again, this time doing "Shang a Lang", complete with Tartan ties, tartan lighting and tartan scarves in the crowd. It is truly, excruciatingly awful, but also good fun and I fear they may stay in after this, they will then get a recording contract and the Necromanser will send his message throughout the world via bland cover versions. Take Heed!!

Ray decides to sing "My Way" (oh I wonder why). This is not a song for a 19 year old to be singing at all, least of all a nineteen year old whose "Way" has involved being stroked with sickly affection and indulgence by his cloying parents and 'professional scouse' family only to then be foistered upon us every week as a miniature Satan every saturday. If anyone thinks I'm being harsh about his parents, you should know that in an interview it turns out that the reason Ray auditioned is because on asking his parents what they wanted for their wedding anniversary they said "Go for the X Factor la', to get you talent truly seen la". I rest my case.

Ben has taken the calculated and cynical brave decision to sing a capella, however there are levels of a capella and this one involves a 75 strong gospel choir as backing, mmm. His version of "Somebody To Love" is alright, certainly better than his first effort anyway. Everyone says how brave he is at the end. NEXT!

Leona finishes us off with "Without You", and it sounded like every other ballad that she has done and showed us nothing we didn't know.

Kate hands over to the congealed pustule of barely hidden xenophobia that is the British Public to make their decision....


RESULTS SHOW

It's once again the biggest vote ever in the world, zzzzzzzz.

Manilow comes on singing some song that was so dull I can't remember it and he appears to dance exactly like Kermit the Frog.

At last the results arrive. In no particular order Ray goes through first - will someone please think of the children I am likely to kill if this continues! Leona goes through next, thank the Lord, leaving a Bottom Two of the MacDiablos and Ben. There is no judge selection nonsense this week so we go straight to those with the lowest votes and it's the MacDiablos!! So it would seem that He Who Walks Backwards will not corrupt the world via these lads and he'll have to have another go with Journey South. LouLou is now actless, so perhaps he will spare us his "my dad is harder than your dad" style arguing with Simon.

So the Semi-Final next week. I haven't had such low expectations since I bought the new Who album...