Auditions End

After what seemed like about 4 months we have finally got to the point where the auditions are finished and "Boot Camp" starts next week. So there will no longer be an excuse for the producers of the show to display people with learning difficulties and personality disorders sparsely interspersed with people who can sing a bit for the viewing public to salivate over, laugh at and feel slightly uncomfortable about. Except for that 50 year-old woman who sang Kylie after gaining new confidence from falling down the stairs (!!) a few years ago, and that tango orange woman who was blown up in Northern Ireland in 1973 has been unable to sing in public ever since as a result and has to hide behind a pillow every time Gerry Adams is on the news, as they both were put through.

We also will no longer have to suffer those "Our Tune" style intros to some of the people: 'Next up is Sue. Sue had her leg blown off whilst rescuing a cute puppy and an innocent child from the hands of a Nazi, since then she has become a single mother railing against a traditional Irish catholic rural hegemony. This is her last chance to prove she is more than a crippled mother to a bastard child..". Or the intros that play the Laurel & Hardy theme tune whilst a bloke with thick glasses and a learning disabililty walks towards the audition Room. We will also be spared those oh so spontaneous scenes where entire families storm in to "tell Simon what they think". These scenes in no way involve the producers telling them to go in and shout so that they can do a "shouty common people" segment and montage at the end of the series. Oh no, not at all.

So what lies in store at Boot Camp? Assuming it is not actually a boot camp, where some of the young lads might get raped in a greenhouse or beaten up by Ray Winstone with a pool ball in a sock - basically a lot of singing, and they will all complain about how hard it is naturally. My Grandad was only saying last week how lucky he was at age 18 to be doing his job of shovelling twelve yards of coal a day in a filthy dark tunnel, rather than having to suffer the gruelling regime of singing some songs on telly.

Boot Camp heX Factor drinking game: Drink 2 fingers every time someone says "this is the hardest thing I have ever done/been through in my life"