Big Band Twister!!

It's Big Band week, with SuperSpecialGuest Tony Bennett - who all joking aside is a living legend of the proper variety.

So off we go again, with this week Kate announcing that 2 (count them 2!) acts will be going out this week. Gasp, shock, horror, zzzzzzz... Kate's hair is better this week, although she seems to have modelled her wardrobe in a sort of 40s retro Krystal Carrington style.

Kicking off the show is everyone's favourite perma-grinned stage school twat Ray Munster, there is lots of talk about him "coming into his own" this week. Tony is paid to be impressed in his rehearsal. He sings "Ain't That A Kick In The Head" (insert your own joke), and does a decent job of it to be fair. The judges love him, Simon says he's like a young Robbie Williams (What, irritating and precocious?). Ray talks about how it is his music that he has listened to all his life etc. I am quite disturbed that a lad his age has listened to nothing but swing, but it was probably to please his fawning parents in between being given all the sweeties he wanted and being bought Karaoke machines and being sent to dance classes. NEXT!

Dionne. Poor Dionne, they paint her up all lovely and put her in a cracker of a frock, she has the voice of a (very moody) angel but still has a face of a chewed caramel. Her version of "For Once in My Life" is alright, but she once again stomps round the stage like Emile Heskey with twitchy elbows, and no-one is really impressed. Although Lou Lou thinks she is a great singer, which is true, but look at what the show is called and she ain't got it I'm afraid.

Nikkita. They really have no idea about how to dress this girl, I've never known stylists be so stumped by a young girl who happens to be a pretty tall and very robust of frame, and they keep spamming her hair down, which does her no favours at all. She sing "Sway" in an adequate, if somewhat nasal manner. She even tries to dance and bit and also has a touch of the Emile Heskey about her, however attention is taken away from her when Kenny Baker jumps out of the crowd and starts mincing about in front of her mid song. It was all a bit boring really.

Ben can play piano you know? He can do it at the same time as shouting singing "Smile", ergo he is a genius, the like of which the British public have never seen before, according to the X-Factor. I didn't like his version of this at all, and to me he just sounds like a Rod Stewart & Joe Cocker genetic experiment making different genres all sound the same. But I understand I am in the minority here, especially among the judges who are all on the vinegar strokes by the time he finishes.

Kerry. There is no escaping the fact that this woman is a very boring performer. Bottom line: if you can't move then you have to have a blinding voice to hold the attention of a crowd and I am afraid she doesn't have it. Her version of "They Can't Take That Away From Me" is soporific and I for one think she suffered because no-one in the production team had the guts to put her in a Davros-style half-Dalek chair and have her careering around the stage whilst crooning. Shame on you producers!

Ashley. His "Moondance" was the worst performance of the night for me (I don't count the MacDonuts as a proper act), and not because he forgot his lines. His phrasing was woeful, his sense of lateral timing with the band (which is the essence of swing/jazz) was dreadful, and the crowning turd atop it all was his Heather Small Honk™ during the last "Caaaaaaaaaaan't Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiide" bit. Teeth scrapingly bad. He also looked a complete cock in those braces and baseball boots as well.

Robert. Belted out "BoJangles" with class, restraint and some decent dance moves. A really good performance and a world better than last week. However his Ritalin did wear off after the judges had commented and he started pogoing like he was at a Clash gig c.1979. He also mde the very subtle & classy point that people should vote for him as he has an unborn child and a 24 stone wife to feed. Nice.

MacDonuts. Did a woeful version of "Can't Take My Eyes Off You", again I stress that the dark haired Donut is better than his sandy sidekick, however that ain't saying much. As the instumental up-tempo break builds in they say "Let's Go!", and follow this up by limply lifting their mikes off the stand and stepping forward one pace to rock side to side. I bet Justin Timberlake is shitting himself. They were utterly woeful. Lou Lou once more damns them with faint praise by saying they are better than Robson & Jerome.

Leona. A frankly stunning performance of "Summertime" showing amazing vocal & breath control - I assume she is very well trained as a singer. She is wearing no shoes, exactly as Fantasia did when performing the same song (much better) on American Idol. Leona laters makes up a lie about feeling more comfortable like that etc. Bollocks, Cowell is a judge on American Idol and is Leona's mentor, it was his idea. This is a small gripe though as she nailed it.

Eton Road. They started off on a bit of a loser here as "Mack the Knife" is not really a song for a group, I'd like to have seen them do an ensemble song like "Me & My Shadow" or "Guys & Dolls". Anyway, they start off OK, Molko comes in and suffers from the fact that his camp delivery means he sings everything in the style of a drag queen, and by the end the other lads are trying to harmonise whilst Molko squeals over the top of them like a skunk with its balls trapped in a pencil sharpener. Awful, but you still cannot help liking them and I reckon they'll be great on the Abba show.

So that's it, off to the great braying mass to vote, and remember 2 are going out!!


RESULTS SHOW

Kate comes back on to remind us all, once again, that 2 acts are going home, they need our votes, more phone calls, show doesn't pay for itself etc etc. Tony Bennett comes on to give a masterclass in jazz/swing performance, but his first song is ruined by the mewling plebs in the audience clapping along all the way though, thus drowning out the nuanced playing of his professional drummer with the smacking of their flabby, pasty hands. However his version of "For Once in My Life" is stunning - you watching Dionne?

The acts come back on, amazingly the MacDonuts survive and the bottom 3 is Dionne, Kerry & Ashley.

The one with the lowest votes is going home immediately, will not pass go and will not collect £200: it's Dionne, who looks totally resigned to the fact before Kate even says her name.

In the Sing Off Showdown of Justice, Kerry is again mediocre and Ashley improves. Simon keeps Ashley and Sharon keeps Kerry natch and it is all down to Lou Lou... He scolds Ashley vehemently for his unprofessional attitude and line-forgetting ways but basically says "you are lucky because she is shit, I'm sending her home".

So Kerry and Dionne bite the dust, meaning Sharon loses 2 acts in one night.

Next week is Abba week, I hope the nation has stocked up on pillows to watch the show from behind...

Seconds out, Round 2

So the Unconventials are now back to singing at church fetes and swinging, and we move on into Round 2, which this week is themed around Rod Stewart. Given that Rod has murdered covered the songs of hundreds of acts through the years we could have quite a wide selection of tracks here..

Judges are introduced by Kate, who this week appears to be dressed in green shiny silk, like an evil but glamorous alien lady from Space 1999. We kick off with Leona, who appears to be dressed as Bo Selecta! Scary Spice, singing "The First Cut is the Deepest" (Cat Stevens). She starts off pretty well and there is no denying she has a very good voice, however she moves with as much sexy ease as Stephen Fry, and at one point even skips a bit. By the end of it I thought she was struggling with the breathing and started to sound ropey. The judges are fairly impressed, they say "this competition"(drink!) a lot, and are overall pretty positive .

Next up is Kerry, who is sitting on a stool this week, I assume it must be a hover stool that silently brings her into position whilst everyone is talking. She looks very lovely and sings a passable version of "I Don't Wanna Talk About It", but she just sounds like a cabaret singer and the cynic in me can't help feeling that if she had not been a weeping cripple then she would be nowhere near the live show. She tells the judges she'll do everything it takes to get better (drink!).

The MacDonald Brothers. Dressed in some kind of Emo Braveheart outfits they limply exhale "Sailing", one of them is even playing a guitar! They try to rock it up a bit at the end but it is frankly pitiful, this pair are even worse than Journey South, at least they had some chemistry - yes bland pub rock style chemistry is still chemistry... Let not their easy going Scots charm fool you thoughm they are a malevolent force for evil in this world.

Ashley. Dressed like Jack Johnson going to a comedy 70s party he does a pretty good version of "I'd Rather Go Blind" (Etta James/Ruby Turner). His voice is nice although it does have a hint of the patented Heather Small Honk about it, and he is very very pleased with himself. The judges love him, fair enough it was a pretty strong performance.

Dionne. Seemingly attired around the theme'"Essence of Ribena' she belted out "Tonight's the Night", and bizarrely seems to be doing a Tina Turner impression, only without being 1/1000th as sexy as Tina is on stage. She has a good voice, but there is something missing if you ask me - and I'm not talking about her font tooth either. Simon was once again right whne he said she needs to go and stand in front of the mirror for a week and learn to perform, at which point Sharon went spastic at him for being wrong. She really is an awful dick-head at times, like the time she cut all of Iron Maiden's power at an Ozzfest because Bruce Dickinson had fallen out with Ozzy about something.

4Sure (worst. name. ever). Did a creditable performance of the execrable "You're In My Heart", but at least it's a Rod Stewart song I suppose. The arrangement reminded me a bit of early Temptations stuff, except not as good obviously, and Chris seems to sing in a Brooklyn accent despite being from Brum and looking a bit like Flea from the Chili Peppers. I think they'll struggle to stay in with that one, it says here in my notes...

Nikitta. Sings "Bring It On Home to Me" (Sam Cooke), and she does an Ok job of it, despite the appalling arrangement that had Simon Cowell stamped all over it: Gospel choir, key change, pause for the lead singer to hit a high note - all the usual shite basically.

Robert. Sings "Try A Little Tenderness" (Otis Redding), whilst jumping around like Norman Wisdom on Ephedrine, his vocals are good but he drops to his knees at the end and I immediatley wrote 'dancing reminds me of Chico' which is frankly never a good thing. Once again the arrangement is terrible, practically verging on 70s disco and not giving him much chance to express himself properly vocally.

Eton Road. Everyone's favourite freaky boy band sing "This Old Heart O' Mine" (Isley Brothers). They start off appallingly out of tune, get a bit better in the middle, and end with the scary one who looks like Brian Molko wailing & screeching over the top of them. It wasn't great, and Molko always looks slightly apart from the rest in the performances they give - probably because they fear the darkness that is within him.

Ray Munster. Does "What A Wonderful World" (Louis Armstrong) and sounds like exacltly what he is - a stage school brat with an extremely punchable face. Also, the whole point of this song when the great Satchmo sang it was that he was about 127 years old, had lived through segregation, hunger, the depression, 2 Wold Wars and was now ruminating on the world that he saw as an old man. So when he sings the line "I see babies cry, I watch them grow. They'll know much more than I'll ever know" it brings tears to your eyes. When Ray sings it you just think "Well all you know is how to be indulged by your parents in your attempt to be famous, so yes I imagine they will, you twat!". As you can tell I don't like this lad, and actually feel he should not even be allowed in, having already been famous.

Ben. Does "Maggie May", how terribly predictable. He does a good job of it, and I like the bloke, but I still can't see why everyone is getting so excited about a bloke that sounds like Joe Cocker. The judges all say he is going to the final, ben does that self-effacing schtick that he has got down to a tee.

So, looking back out of the 11 songs sung tonight 3 (arguably 4) are what I would describe as Rod Stewart songs.

Results Show.

I missed the first bit of this, tuning in to see Rod Stewart having just finished butchering covering another song. He is wearing an Adam Ant style military jacket, which with his hair makes him look like he's off to one of those 1980's, 10-acts-for-the-price-of-one, depression inducing gigs.

Long story short, the bottom two are 4Sure and Robert. 4Sure go first and are as competent and bland as the first time, and Robert calms the dancing down a bit and clearly has more potential. Sharon votes to send 4Surehome, Louis helplessly says "I have to save my own act"(now that's what I call damning with faint praise!) and it's all down to Simon. He ponders for a minute, tells us his decision "may be a shock", and sends 4Sure home.

Nobody is shocked, and Kate Thornton is struggling to even look bothered.

See you next week....