Music Off the Fillums

It's "music of the movies" week, and to add to the film theme the contestants have been sent to a premiere this week, with accompanying VT and talking-head rhetoric about 'giving me a taste of the life I want' and 'made me realise I deserve this', and 'look at how all the poor people with their wretched lives of drudgery and futility worship me'. Kate reminds us that this is now the Final Five and that it is more important then ever to get your pudgy, water-retaining fingers to dial the number of your favourite act. This does not apply to me as I no longer have a favourite act, and watching this show is like watching a tranquilised elephant slowly fall to its knees as people point and laugh at the great behemoth's plight. Each act is doing 2 songs each tonight.

Anyhoo, kicking is off is Leona, who has gone for the urban stylee clothes and looks good for it actually, amidst all that frock wearing and warbling she has been doing so far it is easy to forget she is still a teenage girl. She is having a go at "Lady Marmalade" and it's pretty good actually. I warmed to her much more during this and it finally made me see that she is head and shoulders above everyone else, not just technically but with regards potential in the current market. They also took the wise decision to make her stand pretty still and let women in basques and fishnets gyrate around, it seems the penny enscribed 'Leona Can't Dance' has finally dropped.

The MacDiablo Brothers are next up , and they have taken the logical step of singing a Ronan Keating song, seeing as he is also celtic, a protege of LouLou, plus eye-wateringly bland and awful. Their version of "When You Say Nothing At All" is so soporific it could send a glass eye to sleep, whilst at the same time it is not awful either - which is probably why they keep being voted in.

It is almost like Sharon has given up with Ben, as the songs this week are dire, with his first offering being "Live and Let Die". He is at the piano again, and his delivery accompanied with cheesy pyrotechnics make him look and sound like some low-rent, Benidorm Meat Loaf act. He even looks slightly embarrassed for himself and like his heart isn't in it.

Eton Road need a marked improvement on last week now that we are in The Final Five, Simon says on the VT. They are attempting the Solomon Burke classic "Everybody Needs Somebody (To Love)", and it goes OK - but once again Molko's solo sections are shockingly camp, which is not bad in itself it just makes little sense in a cute looking boyband. It worked with Take That, but they were actually meant to look and sound gay at the beginning. Simon is not impressed, and blames it all on LouLou for picking Bad Songs. LouLou then has a big hissy strop and says that he's going to turn Eton Road into the next big boy band whatever happens and that they should pay no attention to nasty Simon because he smells. I'm pleased for them actually as I think this competition is not right for their type of group (is it right for any group really?) . This also means that they might as well come out and fart the The Frog Chorus for their second song as no-one will vote them as it seems they already have a deal in the bag.

And where would this show be without our installment of reverse-samson, chucky-cocked, minge-midget Ray, with his shit eating grin and his paedophile arousing act? Maybe we'd still be listening to Robert, instead of sitting through this bilge every week that's where! During the VT about his day out to a film premiere, he refers to himself constantly in the third person as "Quinny" as in 'Quinny's here everyone, yeah!' Just when you think it is impossible to despise someone any more, they surprise you with something like this... Anyway, he does "The Way You Look Tonight", and it's OK-ish - as long as you don't look at his stupid gurn-grinning face at any point.

End of Act 1. Slight intermission for Westler's hot dogs and Kia-Ora

And back we go again to the beginning for Leona to warble the archetypal "good singer totally overdoing it" song, 'I Will Always Love You'.

Dear Leona,

Please stop singing ballads, please stop scanning all around the melody, please learn to sing a note without vibrato, please cover up those big calves.

Yours, Lee

The MacDiablos continue to mine their rich vein of bland obviousness by singing '(I'm Gonna Be) 500 Miles'. I was truly amazed at this, as I didn't think that anyone could make this song sound dull, but they somehow managed it. Incredibly, Simon liked it! Most probably because their satanic guardian had threatened him with an eternity in the fires of hell if he didn't start being a bit more positive.

Ben is back at the Piano Of Questionable Value to give us 'Your Song', Elton John's dirge classic. Again he looks about as interested as a puritan on the Guinness brewery tour and sounds totally pub-like, and if he's got what it takes to make the final of this then someone better ring Don Henley and tell him the time is right to make his return.

Another Elton John song is served up by Eton Road, as they give us "Can You Feel The Love Tonight", a song written by Elton about lions whilst he was in the nadir of his First Hair-Weave period. It is pretty bland, the lad with the shaved head really can't sing very well and someone really needs to turn down Molko's mike as all you can hear in the chorus is his Minelli-Cabaret overwrought warbling. But, as I said below it doesn't matter as LouLou is going turn them into a jumpers wearing bland ballad band, if his previous form is anything to go by.

Ray finishes with 'Jailhouse Rock' as I gently finger my shotgun and use every ounce of willpower within me to not take my revenge on the stupid public.

Phew, it was a long one tonight. Kate hands over to the oleaginous pulp of white flesh and blocked vessels that is the British Public to once again waste their hard earned money on this slowly dying Circus of Mediocrity.


RESULTS SHOW

Kate returns to tell us that we have registered the biggest vote in the history of the show, which once again has me pawing at my shotgun. She introduces the bizarre Il Divo who belt out a ridiculous version of 'Without You', but they actually sing "No se, como vivir no con tigo" I think.

Results time, and Ray is first safe, at which point I shoot the dog, the Bottom Two are Ben and Eton Road. Following the sing-off, which confusingly they said they were not going to have last week, both acts stand next to Kate and the judges speak their words. Sharon is crying like a beauty pageant winner (ie pretending) and sends home Eton Road. LouLou is all humpy and says it doesn't matter what happens as Eton Road will be standing up off stools to cover versions of Toni Braxton songs within a year, and sends home Ben. Simon then labours his decision with some time-filling bollocks about not knowing what to do until the producers hold up a sign saying "Stop pretending you are conflicted, credits in 20 seconds", and he sends home Eton Road. Molko cries, as we see the band's X Factor journey and his personal journey from 4 stone to 10 stone judging by the pictures!

Manilow week next week, which means Ray is going to sing "Copa Cobana" and you are all going to pay for your lack of vision...

Number Ones: Stinking like Number Twos

Here we go again, and this week only the cream of the crop that have risen to the top of the hit parade in this sceptred isle are to be sung. Quite a selection to pick from I'm sure you'll agree, so how we ended up with this bucket of rancid mess is beyond me - it is probably something to do with Westlife being the guests. Oh and tonight's running row between LouLou and Simon is that Simon has been in America all week, and not keeping and eye on his acts in the shower as LouLou has, by the end of the show you will be very bored with this.

Kate saunters on with the now familiar look in her eye that tells us she is about to lose her job at the end of this series, and reminds us that only 6 acts remain and that Simon's company each one needs your money votes in order to buy a new yacht survive. Each judge conveniently has 2 acts and we kick off with everyone's favourite chucky-faced, lego-haired, shit-eating grinned, reverse-Samson...

Ray is doing something different this week, I pray that instead of swing the "something " is to do a Jim Rose Circus Sideshow type act involving beating himself about the neck and face with a vinegar soaked bat with nails through it. Alas, he has chosen to sing "Livin' La Vida Loca!" instead. They have dressed him in very tight clothing and what appears to be winkle picker shoes, which makes him look like an action man that has been shrunk in the wash, and he once again minces about like a schoolboy doing a cringingly awful impression of a teacher at an end of term concert. Thing about Ricky Martin is, even though he is blatantly as gay as Christmas, he could do raunchy very well, and the thing with Ray is that he can't. At all. Ever. And the whole point of doing hip thrusts is to make the opposite sex feel like they want you to do it to them - Imagine that little tosser sweating and heaving atop you eh girls? He looks ridiculous, and his vocal was dodgy, although I think this is a harder song to sing than people give credit for. Sharon was correct at the end when she said he is like "panto boy", although I prefer to pronounce it "awful bastard".

Why oh why of why did they give Robert the awful "You Are Not Alone" to Sing? Surely Sharon must realise that it was a terrible song to start with, and added to this everything associated with Michael Jackson is now tainted and doomed (apart from Off The Wall, that is still a belter of an LP). The beginning is a bit poor as the backing track is full of synthesiser pips, peeps and boings, but once the gospel choir rip in and Robert opens his lungs it picks up. The judges are very complimentary, even Simon.

Eton Road have finally been given a decent song this week with "I Don't Feel Like Dancing" by the Scissor Sisters being served up. I was looking forward to this, but made a schoolboy error in forgetting Rule number one about the X Factor (see Eton Rd from last week). It was pretty terrible actually, the chorus in particular sounded like three blokes talking in unison whilst a eunuch town crier screeched in the background. Obviously LouLou was sucked into thinking that anyone camp with a falsetto can sing Scissor Sisters - which does them a great dis-service. They had no choreography at all this week, which makes me think that they actually can't dance at all and as much as I like these lads they keep being rubbish, which is leading me to believe that they are actually not very good and are guilty of flattering to deceive - Molko being the prime suspect.

Leona is next up to give us her version of "Bridge Over Troubled Water". Before this even started I knew what this would be like, and was not proved wrong. Started off soft and whispery with far too much vibrato, got a bit louder and by the end she was jumping around the octaves, in and out of falsetto and waving her arms about (with far too much vibrato). I thought it was rubbish personally, again her vocal quality is great but these songs are not a training session, they are meant to be an emotional rendition that connects with the audience. I liken it to those freestyle footballers who can do 3000 keep ups using every part of their body, sure it's impressive, but none of them will score a goal in a World Cup Final will they? The judges rave again, she cries again...

So they have finally caved in and give Ben Joe Cocker's "With A Little Help From My Friends", thus in my eyes cementing exactly what he is. He is on the piano again, and dressed in what has become his weekly uniform of black shirt, boot-cut jeans and boots. It was basically exactly like Joe Cocker and if he hadn't also been playing piano, it would have been even more so. Simon thought it was great and wants a Ben vs Leona Final, which he feels would be "the television event of the year"! Of course it would, schedulers pray to every God they believe in for a contest between a sub-Mariah Carey warbler and a dull Soft Rock spewing coke-head don't they?

And finally we come to The MacDiablo Bros, a very boring pair singing a very boring song in what is fast becoming a very boring competition. Their version of "Love Is All Around" made me so bored I nearly shat concrete, they can sing in tune but they are so monotone it is ridiculous, they can't hit any impressive notes and they do the same harmonies in EVERY SONG. They are the musical equivalent of being slowly drizzled on at a church fete. However none of that matters as they are Lucifer's chosen ones are have a personal assistant who is dead ringer for Lance Henriksen in Omen II.

So that is it, unlike Vanessa Williams they saved the worst 'til last and Kate hands over to the clustered miasma of cigarette smoke and beery breath that is the British public, for them to make a no doubt idiotic decision...

RESULTS SHOW

I tuned in late for this and so mercifully missed Westlife crooning and getting up off stools in gloriously banal unison. The acts come back on and Kate trots out her mantra about the highest and closest vote in the history of the world ever. The first one safe is fucking Ray, then the MacDiablos (I am seriously losing my sense of humour about his now), then a once again weeping Leona, then Ben.

This leaves a bottom 2 of Eton Road and Robert to face the Final Sing-off of Mediocrity, Simon says he will base his decision on the performance. They are both about the same as before really and we pass over to the judges. Sharon talks about how they are both great and ace and the like but she has to send Eton Road home. LouLou starts crying (!?) at the injustice of it all, even though he's the one who keep championing that satanic Scottish pair, and sends home Robert. Simon then says that he is basing his decision on which act has the most potential to develop, thus not so much moving the goalposts as knocking down the stadium, and sends home Robert.

Robert takes it well but gets a little bit Darius-style ranty about recording an album.

Next week they are all singing two songs - that's twice the Ray and twice the MacDiablos for everyone! I anticipate my killing spree will start soon after...

It's All About the Love.

This week's show ain't got nothing but love for yer as the final seven acts get down to the business of being shockinbgly mediocre for another week. Kate intoduces the show and is bedecked in a very lovely black dress this week, myself and the wife couldn't tell if it was simply a dress, or a dress/shrug combo - either way it was a belter, which is more than can be said for Kate herself..

Simon and LouLou seem to have made up after last weeks scripted falling out, and is all is ready for Ben to kick us off with the Power-Balladtastic "I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing". However it seems that everyone is doing a "Going Back to my old Shitty Life" VT this week prior to singing. Ben spends the whole of his crying over footage of marquees being put up, as he tells how all he ever wanted to was music and once he even (GASP!) contemplated giving up, and if he has to go back to his old job then blah blah blah weep weep. What a load of bollocks, and considering most of the viewing audience have to face their own shitty jobs on Monday morning then rather ignorant as well if you ask me. He is playing a guitar this week, which when combined with his ability to play the piano sends him into the musical stratosphere as far the The X Factor is concerned, however he appears to me to be miming it. Anyway it starts badly, he then stands up off his stool as the drums (with obligatory soft-rock reverb) come in and it gets one peekogram better. It then spirals down through the floor into the shit-cellar as he sings to a couple of poor women in the audience about 2 inches from their face, and when he returns to the stage there is a front fan blowing his hair back and dry ice sloshing about. It was bloody awful and worthy of the Cardigan Room at Butlin's, Pwllheli. Simon has it right when he says that is was a bit bland and the crying on the VT was silly and unnecessary.

The MacDiablos are up next singing "She's The One", and they do an Ok job of it. To be fair to them they are always in tune and their harmonies are nice, but the are just very mediocre, bland and lacking in chemistry. I would've thought that since they have obviously done a deal with devil to stay in every week that Old Nick would've given them a bit of snazz, pizazz and jizz-jazz, but it is not to be. LouLou says that it was their best week yet, which is a bit like saying it's better to have your hand trapped in a slamming car door than have it sliced off with a rusty hacksaw.

Everyones favourite lego-haired, pig-nosed, chucky-faced midget Ray is next, singing Iron Maiden's "2 Minutes to Midnight", oh sorry I mean fucking swing again! He is dressed like 'Mini Pops does Rat-Pack' (again) and doing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love". Everything he does is extremely proficient in his defence, but he looks exactly like that precocious 12 year old who gets the lead part in all the school plays and whose parents make him stand up to do songs and impressions at family parties, much to the chagrin of the rest of the family who want to punch him. I agree with LouLou on this one, in that I cannot see him being a recording artist, I can however see a future for him doing winter season in Great Yarmouth in a Jimmy Clitheroe tribute.

Nikitta is up next singing Donna Summer's "Last Dance", she is not really flat at all this week, she is however still nasal, but credit to wardrobe as they finally put her in a decent frock. She talks about her mum in her VT beforehand and we get another look at the Auntie who Sharon got rid of in favour of the weeping wheelchair woman and credit to Nikitta, she didn't do any crying. She once again stomps round like Peter Schmeichel trying to so Salsa (bless him!), and it was all very forgettable, unfortunately for her.

When I heard Eton Road were doing The Beatles "From Me To You" this week I was little disappointed as I would've preferred something a bit more modern from them, but I was still looking forward to it. Rule Number 1: Never have expectations of the X Factor. It was pretty shocking, they all came on dressed as members of 'Dexy's Midnight Runners' meets 'Half A Shilling', and looked liked they had been choreographed by whoever did Buck's Fizz for Eurovision, only without the flair for ripping off clothes. The vocals were OK but they all just sang together meaning no unique voice could be made out, at least not until it all just suddenly stopped and Molko sang the bridge in the style of a castrated hyena. Lou Lou wants shooting for this, these lads can sing, they look good and they all went to dance school - this arrangement and sub-Stylistics level dance routine is a disgrace.

Leona's VT showed her going back to the solicitors in which she used to work, and then crying, it also showed her seeing her family, and then crying, then more crying - pull yourself together mard-arse! She belts out a stunning vocal performance of "Sorry Seems to Be the Hardest Word", however I have to say she still leaves me cold, as much as I admire her technical ability. However, she really needs to tone down on the vibrato0o0o0o0o and the end of every liIiIiIiIiIne, as it is very irritating. Simon comes over all Soccer A.M and says she was "World Class".

And finally it's Robert. His VT shows him going back to the 'Orspital where he works and spending time with his family, who it would seem are no strangers to the KFC Bargain Bucket. He tells us how the song he is singing, "Always & Forever", he also sang at his sisters funeral so it means a lot to him. There is no mention of how she died, so we must draw our own conclusions. I thought his was the performance of the night personally, absolutely raw with emotion (well as much as an 80s soul song by 'Heatwave' can be) and a fabulous vocal delivery. Simon said it has put him "right back in this competition" (drink!). Robert does a small speech about how it was for anyone who has ever loved a lover in a loving way through love, or something.

Kate wraps up and hands the decision over to the pasty globule of massed latent heart disease that is the British Public.

RESULTS SHOW

Kate is back on, and apparently it's been the closest vote in the history of the show, with the stupid public literally stuffing money into Simon Cowell's high slung pockets via their telephones.

This week's special guest is Julio Double-Glesias, here to plug his new album of love songs, and he has a stab at "I Wanna Know What Love Is". Now I'm struggling to find the words to describe how really awfully bad it was, although I know that baffling, abject and execrable must figure in it somewhere. Once this freakshow has moved on, it's results time!

Long story short the MacDiablos are through again, and Ray (hurrah!) and Nikitta (meh..) are in the bottom two and face the Sing-Off Showdown of Righteousness and Truth! Nikitta is actually a bit better this time around, and Ray hits critical level on the "Punch Me" scale.

Sharon saves Ray, LouLou saves Nikitta. Simon thinks for ages and a row nearly breaks out in the crowd between the hecklers, he then makes noises about the audience possibly being bored with Ray. He then says "I've changed my mind, I'm sending Nikitta home", nobody is actually sure what he changed his mind from or why. To Nikitta's credit she deals with it all stoically and with great maturity for an 18 year old, pay attention Leona!

See you next week, when maybe Louis will finally get Eton Road a decent song.

Mama Mia! Here We Go Again...

It's ABBA week, the week none of us have been looking forward to. Well not in a proper sense anyway, we've have been looking forward to it in the way that we look forward to that bit at the end of Wife Swap where they all rant at each other, or the day that Eamonn Holmes' gut finally causes him to topple and impale himself on his own microphone stand. Anyway that Bjorn off of ABBA is in the house to give insincere sounding platitudes and praise to the 8 performing monkeys acts that are left, and Kate is decked out in purple complete with spangly shoes. It's Camptastic!!

The MacDonalds are still here, due to some Faustian pact with El Diablo, the only reason I can think of.

Kicking us off is Nikitta, doing "Dancing Queen". She stomps around the stage (again!), sounding nasal and slightly flat (again!), and the wardrobe dept made her look like a chubby giant (again!). The judges were all pretty hostile, including Simon, who for all his faults is usually straight with even his own acts. It would have been easy for him to take the Louis Walsh route and tell her that at least she is better than B:Witched or something else equally irrelevant so fair play to him.

Eton Road do an absolutely blisteringly gay version of "Does Your Mother Know", and it goes down a storm. They were great, complete with hand clapping, camp arrangement and they finally found a song that fits Molko Minelli's phrasing. Also, as it was ABBA week, he was allowed to put even more make-up on! Great Stuff...

Robert is next, after a tough week in which it has been revealed he has never seen 8 members of his family, probably because they are stood behind his girlfriend (me -----> Hell). His version of "Take A Chance On Me" starts very well, with just piano backing and his soulful delivery coming together like Michael Barrymore and controversial death. This unfortunatley does not last long as once again the 70s disco backing comes in and he starts prancing about like an ephedrine loaded Lou Rawls having a seizure. I like Robert, and he really needs to stop being so needy as a performer as I think there is a fair bit of talent there if he just stayed still and had better song arrangements. Simon says he is old fashioned, which is a bit rich (see Ray, below)

Leona comes on looking extremely wouldable and belts out "Chiquita". Another very accomplished performance, she does however seem a little over-coached to me and is a bit lacking in personality, and also unfortunately dances like a befrocked Rodney Trotter. Simon says she's the best contestant he's ever had - yes, even better than Steve Brookstein!

The MacDiablos are next, doing the least inspiring rebel song ever written,"Fernando", and the Dark Chosen One is carrying and Electric guitar, ruh-roh! They are once again abysmal, but this time they have the added nadir of a guitar solo so teeth-scrapingly awful it sounds like it is being played by a CP suffer with a metal rasp file. The camera lingers on Simon for a long time during this and if I could just put a picture of his face on here then I would not have to write anything at all. Lou Lou once again says some shite about the Scottish vote. Why pray, does he think they will not vote for Nikkita? Answers on a postcard to: The Campaign for Racial Equality, Inclusive House...

The uber-twat Ray Munster trots out next to perform "Waterloo" in (you guessed it!) a swing stylee! He minces about all perma-grin and piggy-nose, doing a lot of spinning etc like some dwarfen Fred Astaire/Matt Monro tribute act. His hair is once again shaped to points at the side and it is now obvious that he has Lego hair and when he gets backstage he lifts the entire thing off. Lou Lou is for once right when he says that "this isn't the swing factor" I would add that this neither is it the "Second Chance For Some Awful Bastard Who Has Been Famous Once And Needs A Good Kicking Factor" either..

Next up is Ben, who has selected "SOS". There is no piano, thus he is going to sing it to a backing track, thus he is going to sound like David Coverdale singing in the shower. Which inevitably he did. He also kept bending over like the Def Leppard bloke c1987 and I thought it was about as good as Johnny O'Rourke, our local pub singer. Sharon said "it was brilliant". She is a liar.

Ashley rounded it all off with his stab at "The Winner Takes It All". Now, asking a 19 year old to interpret and impart the gut wrenching trauma of marriage break-up is very difficult - when your 19 year old also sounds like a vibrating quacking machine it is nigh on impossible. It was awful, and a very bad song choice. Nothing more to be said really.


Kate passes the decision making over to the heaving mass of inadequacy that is the British public and the acts are in their hands. Apart from the MacDiablos, who have made other arrangements...


RESULTS SHOW

So back we come, Kate does a half-arsed interview with the charisma vacuum that is Bjorn off of ABBA and we then sit through I think the cast of Mama Mia looking like the Canal Street Mardi Gras. Finally the acts come back on....

In no particular order everyone stays in apart from Ashley and Robert who will face each other in the Super Sing-off Showdown of Justice. Robert is all sulky and mute (try and hold that feeling for next week Rob), and Ashley looks all porcelain and wounded.

They both sing to about the same level as before really, except Robert uses the title of his song to say "Please, oh please, oh please! oh please!!" in between the Chorus lines. So last week he tried guilt about his unborn child and this week he is trying begging through the medium of song. Talk. About. Classy.

Each judge saves their own act and it is all down to Lou Lou after Simon tells him pointedly to keep Ashley in. He basically says "Ashley, you have star quality and something different and special, but Robert is a grafter so he's staying and you're not, Bye!" Eh? This leads Simon to not so much have a face like thunder, more a face like a Deep South city destroying hurricane and he storms off into the night, refusing to be interviewed.

Blimey! See you next week, afraid I don't know what the theme is.